last minute flights

July 12, 2019, 6:05 pm, NHV

I decided not to go to Alaska. The fish people called me and asked me if I could fly out Saturday morning in order to start work immediately. It was a Thursday and the flight was departing from Washington. I had already made plans for the weekend and none of them consisted of how to get to the other side of the country with no money. I didn’t think too much through before applying. Maybe because the job posting was so enticing: a short application process (except a 54 question survey), I would start work immediately, they paid overtime and would take care of the flight lodging and meals! The only catch was you had to fly out of either Seattle or Anchorage. Daydreaming, I put the Seattle-Tacoma International airport as my home address so they would at least consider me. It worked! A  few days later a woman called from Washington with poor service: “I’m not going to sugar coat anything…. its grueling work, bring…*inaudible*….extra eyeglasses, it rains a lot, you might…*inaudible*…bring extra medication, and don’t expect to communicate with the rest of the world.” I wondered how much critical information I missed and if my last days would be spent in salmon sweat factory. I sent an email the next day explaining it wasn’t realistic but I would try again next year. I was sad I couldn’t go. It made me wonder if this is the time of life I finally surrender to boredom and conventional ways of doing things. My therapist says surrender is more spiritual and that it sounded more like resignation. I agreed. I really wanted to go to Alaska.

commitment, indeed

July 10, 2019, 3:30 pm, NHV

I’ve been typing all day. Not a story, though I guess it could be considered storytelling. I’ve been applying for remote positions through Indeed. I am attempting to communicate all the skills I’ve learned on my journey as an independent artist and furthermore how they make me qualified for writer and booking agent positions. I am trying to be concise and patient enough to send a cover letter full of errors for a writing position. Honestly, I despise the job application process. It’s not that I don’t like to work. I love to stay busy especially doing something that I either enjoy or don’t have to be mentally present to get paid. I really enjoy mindless tasks and I really hate online applications. Especially the ones with assessments on whether you would retaliate if you hate the job. I filled out a 54 question survey to clean fish in Alaska for $11 an hour. They asked me a million times have I ever went to work high and if I have ever lied. It’s just dumb. It’s not like you can explain yourself. You fill in a bubble and hope they interpret “I disagree” or “I strongly agree” as your human but still qualified to gut friggin fish. I usually don’t even apply to online applications because I am so bad at the assessments. At some point, I get aggravated and just starting clicking bubbles then vow to never shop there because they wasted a half an hour of mine.

Anyways, I decided to take a break from sending out applications because I decided I want to put up a post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am slowly working my way back into the soul-sucking world of social media. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to build up a following and maintain a regular post schedule that isn’t daunting and inauthentic. I really would like to just live off my music but it takes work especially if it’s just you doing it. I still have bills and limited emotional capacity to be trendy. So I’m just taking my time and focusing on honoring the commitment I made to myself. Next step will be to buy a fishing pole.

 

 

Good and Bad Distractions

July 8, 2019, 8:00 am, NHV

Procrastination is not always a bad thing. Sometimes I need to be distracted. I’ve learned to take those moments as opportunities to actually read the news -California earthquakes, the never-ending saga of our 45th president, and an “Arizona man allegedly murders teen because he was listening to rap music.” Reading these articles allows me to simultaneously remember and forget the most pressing problems in my personal life. Sometimes it feels like an escape from reality. 

“Suburbs Profit Off New Haven Magnets,” a local headline proclaims. It is a New Haven Independent article detailing how suburbs outside of New Haven got paid (20 million) to send their students to New Haven magnet schools. This comes on the heals  of a perpetual a budget crisis, and teacher layoffs. This is after the superintendent almost closed the last alternative school for “budget reasons” and Creed school was shut down for not having enough white students despite having a vibrant and strong community. The president of the school board was “shocked.” He probably really had no idea this was going on.

A native of New Haven, and an educator in alternative education, the article left me outraged as I am sure the writer intended. How much clearer could it be that policymakers do not value low income communities and Black and brown bodies? How long has this policy been in effect? Should I even bring up gentrification? To even try to explain the relationship between the residents of New Haven, City Hall, and Yale University to an outsider would be ambitious. Before I go on Kanye-esque rant about Nevah Wen (New Haven spelled backwards), I will keep it simple: Connecticut doesn’t care about poor, black, or brown people or their education. 

To some that statement is completely left field and outrageous. Listen, I don’t like politics enough to argue the details. What I am referring to is the bigger picture. The New Haven Independent comment section was flooded with attacks on our current mayor and her administration. Rightfully so. The past year has been disastrous particularly with the Board of Education. I’ve also seen gentrification accelerate while Toni Harp has been in office. Even with that I wonder how long has this shady deal existed? Why is the State so opposed to addressing this? They mentioned Bridgeport having similar issues is this a business model that exists across the country in majority black and brown, low income communities? I, like most, used to think racism was using a racial slur or burning crosses. What I’ve learned is that racism and other systems of oppression are woven into our our justice system, healthcare system, local government, and yes, education. They are all mechanisms within a larger machine that are often “fixed” with minor repairs and oil changes. These systems are not broken. They are working as they should, for those they are designed to work for. They are continuing the work of our forefathers and the Yale’s most “noteworthy” figures. So no these systems were not designed to work for the he majority of students who actually live in New Haven. I guess I should just accept that. 

Sigh. Yeah sometimes distraction is good and other times it just more reasons to be depressed.

The day after 4th of July

July 5, 2019, 12:30 pm, NHV

Water and rest. I was irritated and dehydrated, so I spent most of the 4th of July recovering from a hangover. I almost went to the beach with some friends. I even packed a bag and left my house. But I decided to leave the bag at my friends and head to Popeyes for their new spicy chicken sandwich. I hadn’t eaten all day just coffee and cigarettes so I figured I wouldn’t be any fun.  Besides I didn’t feel like I would be missing out. The 4th of July doesn’t hold the same excitement it once did when I was child. Holidays in general don’t resonate with me the same way. There is this underlying pressure to celebrate or show up a certain way. Should I wear red white and blue? Who’s cookout? What do I bring? What if I’m broke? I must admit the stresses of the 4th of July are nothing compared to Christmas or Father’s Day. Our emotions are tapped into in order to get us to buy more. I found the below documentary to be revealing…

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