I have a mandatory meeting every month that challenges my patience and humanity. We are a dysfunctional group, so I am caught in between being apathetic and fighting for what I believe is right. I often feel like a fish out of water when expressing my thoughts, but the urge to speak up is so strong that I feel worst if I don’t say anything. I would love to respond to adversity with a parable or thought-provoking joke, but often it just feels best to respond regardless if I look like a crazy woman.
It is hard for me to sit quietly when I notice an injustice or bias. If I do it eats me alive. It is necessary for me to say something or my chest will feel tight and my throat will feel closed. Carrying that energy does not make me feel good and I worry about how holding it affects my physical and emotional health. Still, I hate that I am hardwired to respond. Though I have grown tremendously since being an outspoken 6th grader, sometimes I am still at the mercy of other people’s ignorance.
I feel most understood when I am writing or performing a piece. I have been looking for ways to communicate more effectively outside the realm of poetry and music.